Why Online Dating is not for me, even during the Pandemic.

(Reposted from my Medium article dated 6 May,2020).

I’m in my early-to-mid 30s, all my closest friends have paired up and settled down into family lives. With societal pressure once looming on me, I had once decided to put in all I’ve got in my limited window of time to proactively find a significant other that I too can settle down with for life. It seemed easy, I told myself they’re right, I need to stop being so picky, give people a chance and life’s not perfect, I’m not perfect, you just need to pick someone to settle down with, everyone needs to settle down eventually…right?

With zero prospects within the four walls which I called work, I eventually convinced myself that online dating wouldn’t be so bad after all. Especially now that the stigma of online dating was pale compared to how single I am. So there I was, with full support, a solid plan of attack on a road now frequented by many, surely you’ll think I’m in the higher end of suitability of candidates that are likely to find an online suitor, surely right?

My stint at online dating was short-to-medium-lived. A couple of years to be exact, it was great while it lasted. All they say about learning more about yourself, becoming more confident in meeting new people are all true. Why not? Now that the world is your oyster and you have a million choices at your fingertips, there shouldn’t be a worry in the world that you should find the one, it is just a matter of time.

But what they don’t tell you is that online dating is heartbreaking, a rollercoaster ride, a numbers game, and very emotionally testing. The price for love, or love for a price? I felt it when a guy told me he was attracted to me but my timeline (which was timely) was too much for him. I felt it again when I invested too much time talking and getting to know a guy that I finally felt I vibe with and was on the same wavelength but only to eventually learn he left out an important piece of information, that wiped him out of the candidate pool for me for good — that he was in fact still married (ops), and there goes three months of my life.

Those were the unfortunate examples, but there were some positive one too. Such as the guy that was willing to accept me for me, or the guy that had been through an engagement and nearly made it to the finish line so therefore claimed he knew what he was looking for and that what he was looking for might be me.

As you can see by now. There’s a very good chance that the problem was not them, but me. You see, after everything I went through, I couldn’t help but come around full circle and admit I believe in serendipity. Even if I had a chance in meeting someone great online, there is something about my personality that would constantly question, overthink, self sabotage, and wonder again and again why the other person chose me. Did they choose me the way I chose them? Critically scrutinising every detail of their bio with a fine-tooth comb. The only reason we became a match was because after a million left swipes, I decided they were worth my consideration for a chance of conversation?

It was all too intentional for me, and hard for me to accept knowing I had so much control over it. And might I have played a hand in my own fate? What if it was never meant to be, but I had simply detoured from the life I was dealt with and prolonged something that was doomed to start with? I know this inner dialogue isn’t a reality for some, but for me, (my self-sabotaging self) these were the inner dialogues I might have to live with. Once I fully understood that about myself, and how much importance I placed on meeting someone organically and fatefully, I finally realised for my own sake (and the sake of the other person at the receiving end), to let go of the expectation that I should meet someone quickly by any means to settle down.

Instead, I started to accept myself and my circumstance, and started to believe again and be grateful for the timing of my life. I started to breath easily again, I started to enjoy living my life again without the worry of finding someone. I started to enjoy my work more, enjoy my hobbies, the people around me, and time alone. Everything was suddenly alright again.

I realised all this before the pandemic started, but the lockdown forced me to spend more time alone and look deeper, and now that I’m more comfortable with myself, even though the chance of dating again in person might not come around too soon, I am not scared. I believe in the timing of my life, so I won’t be logging onto any dating apps anytime soon.

Link to original post: https://medium.com/@fenixsays2020/why-online-dating-is-not-for-me-even-during-the-pandemic-f2dc0b8846b5